Shut the Door Behind You

Okay, so we'll start with my uber-lame night yesterday. First, I was thrilled to have the night alone. I got some wine, took a bubble bath. It was wonderful! I talked online with friends. I just sort of bummed around. It was fabulous. But then, I started watching The Bridges of Madison County. Yeah... bad idea. I'd invited Eric over after a church thing he was at, which was supposed to be over by 10. At 11, I texted him and immediately began (thanks to the wine and Clint Eastwood's anguish) crying my eyes out. Like, I haven't cried like that in sooooo long. The kind of crying where you can't stop heaving even after your eyes have dried up. And just as I crawled into bed, guess who calls me.... none other than Eric. He'd had a great night and spent the hour after his thing was over talking to his pastor. You can't really be mad with that, now can you? So yeah, I tried to listen and be cheerful, but he told me he was just going to go home so he could get up early and go to church in the morning. And then he noticed I'd been crying. No one ever notices when I cry. At least, rarely. I'm quite good at hiding it. Then, he wants to know why. I couldn't really tell him that it's because I haven't felt about anyone in years the way I feel for him and that it hurts I think he only sees me as a friend. So I just mumbled that I didn't want to talk about it. He was a total sweetheart and told me he'd always be there for me and to call him the next day. Then he told me I should stop worrying so much about things and just give it all up to bigger hands....

The sermon this morning was about uncertainty. My favorite quote from today: "When life is uncertain, God is not because he's still got the whole world in his hands." And it's true, I need to stop worrying so much about things I can't control and things I don't understand. I need to remember that at the end of the day, God is there in it all, working through things even when I can't see His presence clearly in my life. Other quotes I liked from Andy's sermon were "It is in the darkest hours when God does his most significant work," "God gets the most work done through and with broken people," and his reference to something Rev. Otis Moss said when they were preparing to meet President Obama, "'God works for the good of those who love Him' ...but sometimes it takes a while."

And then today as I was reading through The Artist's Way and talking online to a friend of mine, I realized that I have always looked at my romantic relationships for a sense of safety, looked at my boyfriends as potential saviors. I've been looking at them all the wrong ways. God is where I will find my safety, and Jesus is where I will find my savior. So for now, Eric is a great friend, especially for me to have right now since we are going through similar stages in life, but perhaps friendship is all I need to focus on right now with him. Maybe one day I will find a man to stand next to me in life, but that doesn't mean I need to go searching him out. God has my back. He'll make sure my life happens the way it needs to. :]

So we'll start with the important stuff. I think what I'm going to do is get a business degree and a culinary diploma. Maybe 15-20 years from now I'll open a small bookshop dedicated to children's and women's books. There will be storytime every day with a separate place for meditation time for the moms. And there will be a pastry and coffee shop. And I'll never stop doing theatre.

The best news I've gotten in a long time: I'M AN ACTOR AT THE GEORGIA RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL!!! Okay, so a few weeks ago at a friend's going away party I met this wonderful new friend Jenn. She's in Ren-Fest and told me the auditions were in a week, so I got together a monolgue last minute and showed up. They invited me to callbacks, then called me Monday to let me know they wanted me! It's my first paid acting gig and I'm sooooooo excited! I'll be playing the village naturalist, aka resident tree-hugger. How perfect, right? I expect you all to be there :) I, of course, will let you know the best/cheapest weekend to be there lol. I'm so thrilled. And I hope to make some friends that are in Shakespeare's Tavern stuff so I can start getting in with them. Also, I'm just glad to be making theatre friends again. I already have a group from REn-Fest that I do karaoke with every week. It's awesome.

Which reminds me, Emma and Sara, I miss you two bunches! It's been waaaaaay too long. So that has to change promptly, please.

And the reason for the title: today would've been my fifth anniversary with H. All I have to say is there's a reason it's not. I realised a while ago that there were very good reasons why we broke up, and those things haven't changed. So I don't want to be with him. But the heartstrings still get pulled on this day, y'know? Oh well...

I have no clue how things are going with Eric. He seems to talk to me more than anyone else, and we had a great time when we hung out the other day, but I still have no clue how he feels about any of it, which is extremely frustrating. He wouldn't come over last night after work, and we haven't spent any real alone time together in two weeks. He is going through a lot, though, so I have to respect that. I just know how I feel, which makes it hard. There's that fine line of not wanting to lose a friend but not wanting to waste the opportunity for something amazing.

Happy February 13th! and have a lucky Friday the 13th...

So much to say. Got to meet Eric's mom and sister when I helped him move. And I really liked them. Haven't seen him since though, but he tells me every night he misses me. I haven't felt like this in so long. Just... wow. Totally came out of nowhere. So I'm gonna kidnap him tomorrow and do... something. Not really sure yet, actually. But I am certain it will be awesome. :]

And some of the people who work in my dad's company might be going on strike. So he might have to go work in NYC... on BROADWAY! How jealous am I!? Soooooooooo jealous... Grrrrrr. I told him I was visiting, no questions asked. Still want to trip up, Em? lol

Sigh... so my eye's not gonna get better. I'm gonna lose vision almost completely and it'll be red for at least another six months. I'm not doing too well with that news....

I had a callback for the Renaissance Festival today. There weren't that many people. At first I thought I was doing great, but then I felt like I left on a weird note. So who knows? I guess I'll know by the end of this week....

Okay, so I know I've been completely AWOL lately. I'm sorry! Long story short, I've been uber-busy, finally getting all the stuff together and organized from everything that happened last year. Also, I've been dating this guy Eric (a new one) for the past three weeks, and that's taken up quite a bit of free time. Which brings me to my purpose for writing: What is there to do in Atlanta? I usually love to take guys out to fun interesting places, but lately it's been difficult. It's cold, so parks and things are off-limits. And then he's not as big into art as I am, so my usual art galleries can only last so long without boring him to death haha. And then the main issue--I'm broke. And if I take someone out, I highly expect to spend the money. At least I expect to be able to offer. Any thoughts? Mine were Dad's Garage (which can be cheap), the High ('cause I still love it anyway), or maybe just a new movie borrowed from someone? I'm pretty clueless. I haven't done this whole dating thing in a while haha. And both long-term relationships I've had in the past four years were long distance, so sight-seeing didn't exactly happen. So again... thoughts? I need help!

Wow, wow, wow... where do I begin? H is driving me insane. He texts almost every day now. I know it's just 'cause it's the holidays and he's lonely, but it still hurts, y'know? It's just not nice. And he keeps reminding me of good times we had. I'm trying so hard to move on from him and from T, and it's not easy this time of year. But I do get to see my family tomorrow, which I'm very excited about. And next week I get to see Sirius! Yayayayayay! :]

I'm seeing E again, sort of. I saw him a few days ago, then again tonight, though tonight I just dropped off a Christmas card for him and we talked for an hour. Then I went to see M. M is new I guess. I've known him almost my whole life, though. We've started to become really close friends now. I can tell he wants more, and some days I do, too, but most days I just want to be his friend. It's too much to try and really date someone right now. I have too many past emotions blurring my vision already.

Speaking of blurry vision, my major eye surgery is scheduled for Feb 12th. They're taking a piece of epithelium from another part of the eye and using it to cover the cornea. I won't be able to see out of my right eye, but it will be stable, which means it will still be there when they come up with a reconstructive surgery to give me back my vision, hopefully in the next few years. Also, it should heal pretty quickly, and I'll be able to look into colored contacts and whatnot. Which means I can start acting again, hopefully. I am so so so extremely thrilled with that news. *sigh* I'm tired, so I'm gonna get some sleep. Long drive tomorrow bright and early...

Sooo... I went on craigslist on a whim and answered a couple posts for childcare and housecleaning. As in... 4. And a couple hours later I get a call from this guy. He has two daughters and they need someone to watch them after school/help out around the house. He talked to his wife and called me back to set up an interview. I went over there tonight and had the job basically the minute I walked in the door. I had been going for this job with some apparently very cranky people with better pay but worse hours. Boy am I glad they haven't called me back. I start with the nice people on Monday! Yay! And not only do I get to watch the girls and help them with homework, but I get to cook a couple nights a week! So excited! I'm thrilled to be making about the same I was making at the hair salon but without all the icky gossip crap and office politics. And I don't have to wait tables!!! I'm so thrilled. And it also means I get to bake on occasion. And they don't care what I wear or the fact that my eye is all red. And I have the days free for school or doctors appts or even another job if I need it. Now to work on a budget...

I'm kind of scared now...

So this year will be all about full skirts, striped button-up sweaters, shawls, wide belts, corselettes, tight turtlenecks, and lots of boots... :] Not to mention argyle and plaid, tons of red plaid, and even some light florals... I'm thrilled! Now to just find the money with which to buy said items... thrift store diving anyone? :]

I can't sleep tonight. I found a place on my skin that looks weird and hurts... maybe a spider bite or something... I don't know. But it scares me. When I went into the hospital last time all that seemed wrong was red eyes and few blisters. And look what happened there. It scares me to know that any day, any moment, we could all be gone. Think about that for a second. Think about if you died right now. Who have you lied to lately? Who haven't you talked to in years? Who didn't hear you say "I love you" one last time? What would you wish you hadn't done? More importantly, what do you wish you had done? There's so much I still want to do, so much I want to say. So why do we live the way we do? We don't take chances. We don't tell people how we really feel. Many of us sit in little boxes every day and spend our lives paying homage to the system. It's like we're dying every day, bit by bit, and I just wish it would stop.

I used to study different types of torture when I was younger, not really sure why. I always thought the worst kind of torture would be this ancient Chinese art of filleting. It's where they strip off your skin piece by piece until there's none left. It's funny, looking back, because that's pretty much what happened to me in May. Granted, I did have morphine, but I also have an extremely high tolerance to pain meds. So yeah, I've lived through my worst fears. I don't fear pain. I don't fear death. What I do fear is not living. Not really living. Not taking each day and making the most of it. I'm so scared I'll die without skydiving or visiting another continent or having the chance to really tell the people I care about that I love them and have them really know I meant it.

But, like everyone else, I just crawl back into that box every morning. And my family and friends keep telling me that I have to focus on getting healthy right now, have to let time pass before I go and do or say anything big. It's so hard to do all that! I feel like time means nothing, is no guarantee, and I can't base anything on having a tomorrow. But I'm still a part of this society and have to follow the rules. I have to remember that I'm human, which is both easy and difficult to remember at the same time.

As we get older (and I mean minute by minute, rather than year by year), I am constantly reminded of how fleeting our time here truly is. So I'm making a list of everything I want to do before I do pass on to wherever it is our souls retreat to when our bodies die. I might not check them all off. Hell, I might not check any of them off. But at least I put it out there. At least I'm going to make the effort to live life my way, to step outside my box if even for one moment.

go skydiving
see the Eiffel Tower, the remains of the Berlin wall, the attic where Anne stayed, the Colliseum, the new Globe Theatre, the Sphinx, the Romanov's summer palace, Versailles, the Louvre, Degas's original of Le Classe de Danse...
visit Paris, Normandy, Rome, London, Prague, the Greek Islands, Berlin, the Swiss Alps, Greenland, Prince Edward Island, Tokyo, Johannesburg, Cairo, Casablanca, Dublin, Las Vegas, Ann Arbor, Tuscany...
go rock climbing
learn to fly a plane
publish a novel
sing in a jazz club
see something of mine on a professional stage (be it a play, a musical, or me acting)
swim with dolphins
learn the whole tango
marry the man I love
have/adopt children
watch them grow up
go wine tasting in the south of France
go beer tasting in Ireland
one word: Amsterdamn
find the best damn apple pie recipe and perfect it
fix up an old car (after figuring out how the hell they work first)
pet a tiger
learn to say "I love you" in as many languages as possible

And I'm sure this list will change, as I'm sure I will add to it frequently as time zooms on. But here's a snapshot of me... right now. Scared to death (pardon the pun) of not really living while desperately worried to let go of stability--just like everyone else in this world.

Okay, so I know that weight should be the least of my worries, but seeing as how I spent the last year around people who strive to look good only in pictures and on paper, it somehow keeps creeping into my mind. When I got out of the hospital, I weighed 111 lbs. Granted, my boobs and ass were entirely diminished, but still... I had a waist for the first time in my life. I totally admit I was way too thin, but when I'd moved up to 115 lbs, I was happy. But I was a little too happy that I could eat whatever I wanted for a while, and I kept on... so then it was 120... still happy, boobs and ass began to return. But now at 125... I'm back where I started before I went into the hospital in the first place. Now, I'm not complaining, I know I'm not fat. Nowhere near fat. But the years of people telling me I could lose a few pounds and the ease with which I counted calories and skipped meals last year while in theatre school are still haunting me. Not to mention the attention I got when I was around 115.... Grrr. Worst, I can't really exercise. I'm not allowed out in the sun. I can't drive (nor can I afford to go) to a gym. I miss dancing and yoga, but there isn't a place up here where I can do those things. I'm so frustrated! And since my face still looks like hell from the eye surgeries and the acne caused by the creams I have to use, being super-thin made me feel on top of the world for a while. Made me feel still attractive in some way. Geez, even my thighs are back to their normal size. I don't want to get back to 110, but I was quite pleased with 120. I've always said that was where I felt best. It's just enough to keep me from looking stark and bony, but not too much to where I jiggle when I walk. Then again, if I get rid of the love handles will my boobs and ass go away again, too? Where's the fairness in that? K, I'm done venting now. You can stop hating me for my silly frustrations now. But seriously, any constructive words?

If you're on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine ... you're on my list, so i want to know you better!

Learn me about yourselves, folks!!


01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.

02) What was your dream growing up?
A.

03) What talent do you wish you had?
A.

04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.

05) Favorite vegetable?
A.

06) What was the last book you read?
A.

07) What zodiac sign are you?
A.

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A.

09) Worst Habit?
A.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.

11) What is your favorite sport?
A.

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.

16) Do you have any pets?
A.

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.

22) What color eyes do you have?
A.

23) Ever been arrested?
A.

24) Bottle or can soda?
A.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.

30) Do you swear a lot?
A.

31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.

35) Do you believe in God?
A.

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.